Yeah, cancer is a tough one. After all, who wants to read about something that depressing?
(I'm postponing more wedding stories 'till later)
But seeing I've lost almost an entire year fighting cancer and another two friends have been diagnosed just this past week, it feels like something has to be said.
First off, let's just call it by its name. It's not 'your disease', or 'your troubles', or 'your illness' or 'this thing that happened to you'. Its name may be spoken without the speaker being smote down from above.
Its name is cancer.
And it takes many forms, wouldn't you know. It seems almost any part of your body can get cancer. Different types of cancer cause different cell changes, which is why one test cannot pick up every cancer. Some are easily healed, others are a bit of a struggle. But in the end, the form the struggle takes is up to the canceree, more commonly called the patient. (With cancer you have to be patient - treatment takes a long time.) Some people have surgery almost immediately, others begin with radiation or chemotherapy. Each has its own problems. Some people prefer 'all natural' treatments, herbal mostly, but their survival rate has not yet been proven.
Having cancer is not your fault!
When you get lung cancer, medics will say it's because you smoked. Similarly, skin cancer is from sunburn, etc. While that may be true, some people get cancer without having 'misbehaved' in any way...sometimes - and this is a medical opinion I received - it's 'just bad luck'. But punishing yourself with guilt feelings about getting sick is counter productive. Cancer is like the 'flu - you get it or you don't. And, you get it again, or you don't.
We all know that many treatments (especially chemos like taxol) make you lose your hair and might make you nauseous. These are the famous side-effects. Some chemos only cause partial loss. I didn't really become nauseous, except once or twice. And different cancers get different chemicals as treatment. These can be in the form of pills, or more commonly these days, intravenous drips every few weeks for several months, each lasting about five hours.
But did you know that you can lose ALL your hair - your entire body becomes smooth as a baby's bottom. So, no shaving, that's a good one. But without nostril hair your nose can become kind of drippy. Without eyelashes, flies and other insects can collide with your eyeball freely - nothing to stop them when you begin to blink. Without eyebrows, nobody seems to be able to read your expressions.
When you go from presentable to old reptile-eyes like this pic on the right, you tend to re-evaluate many female values, such as the importance of cosmetics (make-up is impossible).
That's not all! Your teeth often develop problems, you have no resistance to disease and have to be very careful to avoid colds and 'flu, etc. Your bones deteriorate like crazy. My carbon-plats also affected my hearing, although that seems to have been temporary. And the taxol affected the neuro-sensitivities of my extremities. Feet (toes) are numb but also burn with heat and cold alternatively, fingertips are numb and make it difficult to tie buttons and easy to drop crockery. This effect lasts for a long time, maybe forever. And it's irritating as hell! Even driving a car is challenging because I can't feel the pedals properly. I was a dancer, but now my toes don't obey my commands....
Another interesting side effect is the reaction of people in public places. I chose not to wear a wig or scarves because I found them irritating to my scalp. However, in Namibia there seems to be a lot of ignorance about the cause of radical hairloss. Young people especially seemed to think I was challenging fashion, or trying to do the bald black look, or something. They laughed, pointed, giggled and made remarks. Small children point and pull faces of disgust. The odd few young men became quite aggressive. And one elderly man in a shop refused to push the superlarge wholesale trolly used when we buy a month's stock for all the farm workers. He stared at me with such anger and distrust. Even when I tried to chat to him he refused. Someone else had to help since customers may not take out trolleys on their own. I wondered what he was thinking...?
On the other hand, those who do understand are extremely helpful, kind and supportive, even if they are total strangers. probably they have either had it themselves or they have a family member or a friend who has had cancer. Sometimes it seems there is an instant bond with these people. Very nice.
But a small irritant is when people call and ask "How are you doing now?" after each treatment. The fact is, you usually don't know. Nothing seems to have changed from one treatment to another. Chemo makes you feel so tired and useless, that even good news seems unreal. How can things be fine when you're feeling totally shit? I know the question is asked because people care, but for me, just a normal howzit works better. Besides, the improvement one might expect is not obvious until you hit the end of treatment. Then you might feel great! Super well even.
The other response from most people is: "Just stay positive." Man, while I know that a positive state of mind is conducive to overall health, I really don't know what people actually want you to do, when you've just been told that even with succesful treatment, your life expectancy is short, like a single handful of years. It's a shock, and the idea seems to go around and around in your mind, day and night. It takes time to digest this kind of information.
I've always been an optimist, so seeing some positives in living shorter rather than longer is something I can do. A sense of humour helps as well.
Friends and family:
As for the canceree - cuddling your pets close is great! Husbands and wives too of course. But pets are completely non-judgmental.
(I'm postponing more wedding stories 'till later)
But seeing I've lost almost an entire year fighting cancer and another two friends have been diagnosed just this past week, it feels like something has to be said.
First off, let's just call it by its name. It's not 'your disease', or 'your troubles', or 'your illness' or 'this thing that happened to you'. Its name may be spoken without the speaker being smote down from above.
And it takes many forms, wouldn't you know. It seems almost any part of your body can get cancer. Different types of cancer cause different cell changes, which is why one test cannot pick up every cancer. Some are easily healed, others are a bit of a struggle. But in the end, the form the struggle takes is up to the canceree, more commonly called the patient. (With cancer you have to be patient - treatment takes a long time.) Some people have surgery almost immediately, others begin with radiation or chemotherapy. Each has its own problems. Some people prefer 'all natural' treatments, herbal mostly, but their survival rate has not yet been proven.
Having cancer is not your fault!
When you get lung cancer, medics will say it's because you smoked. Similarly, skin cancer is from sunburn, etc. While that may be true, some people get cancer without having 'misbehaved' in any way...sometimes - and this is a medical opinion I received - it's 'just bad luck'. But punishing yourself with guilt feelings about getting sick is counter productive. Cancer is like the 'flu - you get it or you don't. And, you get it again, or you don't.
We all know that many treatments (especially chemos like taxol) make you lose your hair and might make you nauseous. These are the famous side-effects. Some chemos only cause partial loss. I didn't really become nauseous, except once or twice. And different cancers get different chemicals as treatment. These can be in the form of pills, or more commonly these days, intravenous drips every few weeks for several months, each lasting about five hours.
But did you know that you can lose ALL your hair - your entire body becomes smooth as a baby's bottom. So, no shaving, that's a good one. But without nostril hair your nose can become kind of drippy. Without eyelashes, flies and other insects can collide with your eyeball freely - nothing to stop them when you begin to blink. Without eyebrows, nobody seems to be able to read your expressions.
When you go from presentable to old reptile-eyes like this pic on the right, you tend to re-evaluate many female values, such as the importance of cosmetics (make-up is impossible).
That's not all! Your teeth often develop problems, you have no resistance to disease and have to be very careful to avoid colds and 'flu, etc. Your bones deteriorate like crazy. My carbon-plats also affected my hearing, although that seems to have been temporary. And the taxol affected the neuro-sensitivities of my extremities. Feet (toes) are numb but also burn with heat and cold alternatively, fingertips are numb and make it difficult to tie buttons and easy to drop crockery. This effect lasts for a long time, maybe forever. And it's irritating as hell! Even driving a car is challenging because I can't feel the pedals properly. I was a dancer, but now my toes don't obey my commands....
Another interesting side effect is the reaction of people in public places. I chose not to wear a wig or scarves because I found them irritating to my scalp. However, in Namibia there seems to be a lot of ignorance about the cause of radical hairloss. Young people especially seemed to think I was challenging fashion, or trying to do the bald black look, or something. They laughed, pointed, giggled and made remarks. Small children point and pull faces of disgust. The odd few young men became quite aggressive. And one elderly man in a shop refused to push the superlarge wholesale trolly used when we buy a month's stock for all the farm workers. He stared at me with such anger and distrust. Even when I tried to chat to him he refused. Someone else had to help since customers may not take out trolleys on their own. I wondered what he was thinking...?
On the other hand, those who do understand are extremely helpful, kind and supportive, even if they are total strangers. probably they have either had it themselves or they have a family member or a friend who has had cancer. Sometimes it seems there is an instant bond with these people. Very nice.
But a small irritant is when people call and ask "How are you doing now?" after each treatment. The fact is, you usually don't know. Nothing seems to have changed from one treatment to another. Chemo makes you feel so tired and useless, that even good news seems unreal. How can things be fine when you're feeling totally shit? I know the question is asked because people care, but for me, just a normal howzit works better. Besides, the improvement one might expect is not obvious until you hit the end of treatment. Then you might feel great! Super well even.
The other response from most people is: "Just stay positive." Man, while I know that a positive state of mind is conducive to overall health, I really don't know what people actually want you to do, when you've just been told that even with succesful treatment, your life expectancy is short, like a single handful of years. It's a shock, and the idea seems to go around and around in your mind, day and night. It takes time to digest this kind of information.
I've always been an optimist, so seeing some positives in living shorter rather than longer is something I can do. A sense of humour helps as well.
 |
| Getting better with the help of loved ones |
Friends and family:
- But please, rather than just telling people to be positive, give them something to be positive about.
- Besides, a bit of negativity and darkness is normal in these circumstances. Accept it, talk about the fears and pain.
- Understand that it is the same person inside that it always was. Cancer doesn't change who you are at heart.
- If you cared about someone before, now is the time to show it - be positive around a cancer patient, that already helps a million!
- Throw a party, drink some good wine (life is too short for plonk), eat good food. Being awfully abstemious for the sake of your body is not going to help you feel positive - at least that's what I think.
- Rest a lot and be selfish if you need to be to feel better. Visiting Aunt Agatha is just not important if you're feeling tired.
- Completing that book you were working on might not be so urgent - what you learn in the process of the illness might help you create a better book afterwards.
- I took up drawing and painting for a while, something I hadn't done for years.
- Exercise is really hard when one's joints ache fiercely, but I found it good because I set targets and thus could see some improvement every week, even though I was crawling in comparison with the time vefore treatment.
- Finally, talk about your feelings or fears - on Facebook if need be. You'd be amazed how many people share your problem. I sometimes think that at least half the world has or has had cancer!
