Chickenpox, cancer and lunch guests

Some diseases like to linger. They don't bother you most of the time, but a small trigger can make you suffer when you least expect it.

Since my brush with cancer, a disease that comes and goes like a bad cold, I've become far more chilled as a person. I have also become even more of a recluse and almost never go out. Just couldn't be bothered because going out at night from the farm always involves a lot of preparation and late night returns along a bad gravel road infested with wild animals that jump into the road.

(cold sore image from internet - not me)

So it's unusual that I have recently had quite a lot of weekend visitors from out-of-country. This means cooking lots of food, which I enjoy, except under pressure. I only realized the pressure when my old but rare friend cold sores visited straight after the largest group lunch. Not just one sore but a row of blisters...not pretty! So the virus lingering in the cells after childhood chickenpox, strikes again. Most unwelcome when I still have a seminar and three meetings to attend to in the week. With an ugly bleeding sore on my lip. Eeuw.....

Just a reminder to me that cancer cells like to do the same kind of thing. It got me to thinking again.
I have now been in remission for 9 months and generally feel fine. People who saw me last year say I look fine too. But in my own mind, I find that thoughts about cancer still linger on.
How did it feel to be so sick? I remember the intense pain of chemo-shrinked tumours and difficulty of controlling body functions. I remember reaching a point where I thought I might survive, but if ever the cancer came back I wasn't going to fight. Palliative care - that's all.

I understand too, that the stress being sick gave my partner was intense, as is his current relief. The strange thing is that as soon as you are well, people expect you to be the same person you once were - that life now just goes on. But you're not, and it doesn't just go on the same way. You're probably not willing to be that previous person either. 

So I started wondering what changed during that sick period? I spent a lot of time lying around thinking, too tired to move. I had a close brush, as I had only weeks to live without the therapy (they said).
And I realize now that what changed was - that I kind of gave up. Yes, I know, one isn't allowed to say that or even think that, but it's true. I enjoy some things better than in the past, because I see many things as temporary now. I'm more selfish in a way, because I'm not willing to do what I don't think is 'good' for me. Good being something that either gives pleasure or makes me a better person.

Close friends and family - deal with it! No Calivinism around here.


(Image from Wikipedia)

A lovely young singer I met with yesterday told me that since her father recovered from his prostrate cancer treatment, he took up playing the church organ again, and goes around to places where he can thunder the organ. He gets much pleasure from this. How great is that!
My brother took up beer brewing - it generates income and provides a challenge. Another friend took a new husband...I kid you not!

I take pleasure in the beauty of my environment, and I lie on the bed a lot with my eyes closed and my dogs close by. I don't sleep. I just lie and enjoy being by myself. And I think.
These are things I didn't take time for previously. The cancer cells might pop up and demand attention any time again, probably when one least expects it. Stress is also a trigger. And so I lie on the bed and take pleasure in life as it is now.

And enjoy my wine at dinner time...to hell with all the health articles that say 3 small glasses a week. Hmphh!